I have a story

I was thinking the other day that I haven’t updated where I am in the whole working out process. If I were you, I’d think that I’d fallen off the wagon and given up for good! (Believe me, I’ve considered it!) The fact that I don’t blog about my workouts would lead you to believe that I’m just hoping you forgot that I used to! Thankfully that isn’t the case. My life, my health and mental well-being depend on working out. (darn-it-all)

You see, I floundered around for a few months after my trainer, Nick, died. Then my brother died of a heart attack. Then my other brother was hospitalized with heart problems eventuating with open-heart surgery. Started me thinking about my own heart health.

Christmas was right around the corner and I continued half-heartedly working out…until I had surgery requiring six weeks off. I loved the excuse to not work out! But, I lost much of the progress I’d made.

I was discouraged with my lack of discipline and with my body, but my husband wasn’t going to let me slip into an emotional abyss! He knows all the signs. We’ve been married nearly 30 years! He found me a new trainer pronto and I started back up in January. It’s amazing how a good workout can change one’s mindset! (It’s supposed to change your body too, but mine is particularly stubborn!)

I made the huge transition from private training to a much more public venue – Lifetime Fitness. I had to hoist my big-girl panties and just decide I wanted it bad enough to deal with the possibility of being watched. I can’t let myself look in the mirror at the gym as it’s too rudely honest. My imagination sees me as 30 pounds lighter and 20 years younger! I’ll keep my eyes averted and let my imagination run with it!

I just go where my trainer takes me and do what my trainer says to do and give it my all and hope that a middle aged, not-stick-thin mother of two, two-time breast cancer survivor can somehow inspire someone to hang in there just like me! I know I’m probably a sight to see!

So, here I am, three months along in the process with my new trainer. He’s excellent, by the way. I know I’d see more progress if I could get all my cardio in each week, but I have these pesky little nuisances called injuries to deal with! (And what is up with that?! I turn 50 and start falling apart?!)

A shoulder that snaps and clicks loudly and with searing pain. (It’s improving finally, in case you’re wondering.)  A foot that has such bad bunions that just walking without a limp is a feat. (pun) Can you hear the violins playing as I waaaaaaaaah?! And yes, the doc wants me to have surgery . . . not if I can help it for as long as I can manage!

I told my trainer the other day, if this is as good as it gets, being half a century old and needing a 50,000 mile overhaul, by golly, I’m keeping at it! The only alternative is quitting and that won’t help me one bit! In three months’ time, I’ve lost only 3 pounds! I can guarantee that if I didn’t work out, I’d gain a lot more than three! He’s still young. He just grins a confused grin. Someday perhaps he’ll listen with enlightened understanding. =)

The deal is this. Every time I go to the gym I need a reality check. I need to remind myself that I work out because I feel better emotionally; I feel stronger physically and I usually sleep better.I work out to become healthier, not because it will make me something I am not – young and svelte!  It’s always good to remind myself of this lest I get discouraged!

You’d think that by the time any person turned 50, they’d know themselves well enough to not be pestered by the same trivialities that pestered them their whole life? Well, apparently not. The temptation is still there to judge myself harshly and compete with and compare to others and come out the loser. At least I’ve learned not to give in to it. The temptation is always there, but I throw it aside.

Something I have come to grips with is that these things will still dog me, but my value isn’t based on my appearance. Maybe to some people, but not anyone who loves me.

I have a story. There’s history hidden beneath this skin! I have purpose. I have people in my life who love me and count on me. They’d miss me if I were gone. They’re just glad to have me around, and don’t care if I’m buff or tan or young or svelte.

If someone only sees me and makes a value judgement based on what they see, they’ve missed the biggest and best part of who I am! Besides, I don’t really think all that many people are even looking! They’re all too worried that someone is looking at them!

What’s your story?

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5 Responses to “I have a story”

  1. Marva Says:

    Oh Kris, how I needed your wise words of encouragement! Although I am happy with my clothing size for the first time in decades, I need to start exercising; your observations about how it affects your emotional and physical well-being in various ways boosted me to go buy some exercise clothes! I know that’s not the REALLY big step that needs to be taken, but I can’t go work out somewhere in my old baggy paint clothes, can I?!? (I returned the new duds the next day because they were not quite modest enough ….) Seriously, thank you for your many reminders to put aside comparing and competing and judging ourselves and others. You are a treasure to all who know you!

  2. Mom B. Says:

    Dearest Kris, my daughter in love,
    When I read your blog it reminded me of a favorite song of mine. The song expresses my feelings for you. It goes, “You are so beautiful to me, can’t you see? You’re everything that I hope for. You’re everything that I need. You are so beautiful to me.” God blessed us when he brought you into our family. Thank you, Jesus. We love you. HAPPY EASTER!
    Mom B.

  3. Jenn Says:

    Awesome blog Kris. I truly love having a friend that can be honest about the little and big things in their life and encouraging all at the same time. You go girlfriend;-)

  4. karen Says:

    FANTASTIC Kris. You need to write a book on this subject. I know exactly where you are. As we prepare to go to hawaii with 300 of our closest insurance agents and their wives, I am tempted to see only the picture in the mirror of being not toned and buff like the majority of the group will be. But you have given me how, that if they are just looking at the figure and judging me on that, then they have missed out on knowing that I love them no mater what.

    You are an inspiration, don’t give up, don’t quit writing, we would miss that terribly. And continue to share so we know how to pray
    for you as you walk thru the many losses and pray over your heart that you will be protected from any problems.

    Kris you would be greatly missed, words could not even apply to
    what you mean to me. Blessings my friend.

  5. Deb Schmidt Says:

    Thank you, Kris. I needed this. Your story inspires me. =)

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